


XPhiles, The

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-07-31
Updated: 1998-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 13:23:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11336385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: A funny story where the real world and the X Files world collide.





	XPhiles, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

The X-Philes by Mick C.

Hey everyone,  
First off, thanks for the info on the Cory Raines, episode. I couldn't tell from the USA page if it was a new one or not! :)  
Secondly, I've included in this post, a bit of fun I worked up for myself after reading something DD said in a magazine interview. He was asked if he read the X-Files newsgroups. He replied that he had gone to check them out but got spooked [my words not his] upon reading things like complaints about how Skully jumps in the car after Mulder's been driving and drives off without adjusting the seat or rear view mirror. He found that sort of attention to detail disturbing and stopped reading the group, fearing to see such scrutiny applied to his personal life.  
Of course some of the stuff that might really disturb him jumped into my head. I switched DD to Mulder, but IMHO there's not all that much difference between the two. :)

* * *

***  
The X-Philes  
by Mick C.

<knock on the door, Mulder opens it>

M: What are you doing here! Go away, HEY! <Mulder is shoved aside by Krycek as he enters>

K: I'm only here for a second, Mulder.

M: I should turn you in. 

K: But you won't. I'd stop bringing you good information.

M: What are you doing? Don't touch my laptop!

K: Don't have a cow, Mulder. I just need to see if I've been spotted in town.

M: From my computer? How can you check from there?

<Krycek ignores him, typing furiously>

<Mulder leans over Krycek's shoulder>

M: What the hell... <Mulder gasps and his name and topics like," Mulder in New Mexico", "Mulder's Being Framed!" roll by the screen>

M: Krycek! <grabs K and shakes his shoulder> What is this?!!

K: It's your newsgroup, Mulder. Ow! Let go! <Krycek winces as Mulder grabs is shoulder>

M: My *newsgroup*? MY newsgroup?!

<Mulder is hanging over K's shoulder, reading>

M: Oh. My. God. Krycek, what am I doing with a newsgroup?

K: Are you kidding me? <Krycek snorts> Mulder, you have a fan club! And more that one newsgroup. There's Helega Place, Apartment 42, Spooky's Hideaway, Samantha's Brother... there's about twenty, I think. This is the truly serious one. It's called "The Den." It keeps a rather low profile. Half the posts are in code. The real info comes from the mailing list, which it more exclusive that the CIA's security codes.

M: Oh my GOD!

K: Actually, GOD runs the mailing list, PlayingGod is his user name but he likes to be called GOD or PG. I'm checking the mail from his list now. Very exclusive. You pretty much have to give blood to get on it.

M: Then how'd you get on?

K: A guy I know forwards the posts to me.

M: What guy? 

K: You don't know him. I met him through one of the EBE groups.

M: You little sneak. What were you doing, looking for abductees to abduct and torture?

K: If they're abductees, then one more little trip shouldn't bother...OUCH! <Mulder cuffs Krycek, tries to drag him away from the laptop> Stop that! I nearly dropped your machine. 

M: <settles down a bit at the mention of damage to his laptop.> You were telling me about this guy...

K: Oh, yeah. We exchanged email for awhile, and he mentioned he had a passion for this FBI Agent who's sole purpose in life was to find the EBE's and welcome them. 

M: That's not my sole purpose! That's a load of...

K: Well that's what *he* thinks your sole purpose is, Mulder. If you keep interrupting me, I'll never finish telling you. Unless you don't want to know?

M: No, I want to know. Go ahead.

K: Well of course I had to mention my *own* passion for Special Agent Fox Mulder, threw in some interesting deatils, and that was it, he thought he'd found a kindred spirit. I got to know all of your newsgroups, Kurt, that's his name, being my intro to a number of them. I haven't been able to get into The Den yet, but Kurt is working on that for me. 

M: Why would he do that?

K: I don't know. Great phone sex, I guess.

M: WHAT?

K: Come on, Mulder, you know. The 900 numbers you call are all over the Net!

<Mulder looks a sickly green>

K: You really should shred your phone bills if you're going to call sex lines, you know. Anyway, Kurt's Gay, which he let me know right off, and I played along. Got one of those internet phone things, and the rest was easy. You know, like this. "Ohhhh, ahh aaaah, oh! Oh! I can FEEL you touch me. OH, touch me like that, Yes, YES!"

<Mulder hurriedly interrupts Krycek's display of his phone sex skills. Gets back to the original subject.>

M: What are you looking for? You said you needed to see if you'd been spotted...

K: Yeah, to see if anyone knows that I'm at your place.

M: How would they...

K: They watch you. You're more heavily covered than the Pope. And your "supporters" are almost as good as the government spooks. Of course they're not trying to kill you or mindwipe you, only make sure you don't vanish without a trace.

<Krycek breaks off, slams his fist on the desk>

K: Ah, SHIT! Someone's seen me coming in.

<Krycek is interrupted by a bellow from Mulder>

M: WHAT THE HELL!

<Mulder sees a post entitled "Mulder's B&D Magazines!">

K: Uhm... you sex life, or lack thereof, is widely discussed, Mulder.

<Krycek watches Mulder read..and turn bright red.>

K: The popular consensus is that Skinner gives you what you need in Phoebie's absence... or that I do.

M: Fat chance, Krycek.

K: It seems you watched my ass, literally, a lot back when we were partners. At least that's what the Mulder watchers say. <hitting sounds> OUCH! *I* didn't say it, *they* did!

Here, have a look. You should check out "Spooky's Hideaway, that's where they really get into your sex life. It makes for fascinating reading.

<Krycek gets up and gives Mulder his seat. Sits beside him and watches Mulder's face as he reads the Mulder-newsgroups.>

You should read some of the fiction they write about you. Pretty imaginative bunch. 

M: <gives Krycek a rather stunned look> Fiction?

K: Yep.

M: Let me guess, that's in another newsgroup?

K: Yep.

M: Name?

K: Fox Tales.

M: Oh god.

K: The general consensus is that you're at least bi-sexual. It's only supposition so far, based on your tastes in magazines and videos. No one's caught you shagging another man yet...

<sounds of a scuffle, and punching and smacking>

K: What'd you do that for! I was only telling you what's out there! I can't believe you don't know about it! Hell, they've got a whole other set of newsgroups for just your X-files... 

M: <Mulder is shaking his head in horror> My God...

K: It's bad, isn't it? <laughs> Such is life in the information age.

M: "Christ! They even have conversation transcripts here!" 

K: One guy reads lips, pretty accurately too. And there's a group with a parabolic mic. 

M: Parabolic mic?

K: Yeah, you can get those from the Edmund Scientific catalog. Big suckers, supposedly for bird watchers... <Krycek snorts>

<Mulder reads a mail message that's just appeared>

M: Oh lord, they think we're in here having sex now.

K: Well... <Krycek leers at Mulder>

M: Forget it!

<Mulder looks around the room anxiously>

K: Don't worry, the place isn't bugged. They do go through your trash though. That's how they got the B&D magazines. You really should burn those you know.

<Mulder goes back to reading, staring in horror at the screen>

<Krycek with an evil grin slips off his t-shirt and goes to front window and looks out>

<Mulder see's the movement and turns to look>

M: Get out of the window like that!

K: <laughs> Make me!

<Mulder jumps up and runs to the window, tussles with Krycek, wrestles him down and hits him a few times.>

<Screen beeps, new message icon appears.>

K: Get off, Mulder, there's more mail!

M: Mulder jumps up and rushes over. Reads the mail that said a mostly naked Krycek appeared in Mulder's window with Mulder quickly following and manhandling him, then dragging him down to the floor.

M: No...no, no, no. That's not how it was. No... <Mulder moans, rocking himself.>

K: A whole slew of messages appear. Some demanding payment for bets that have just been proven about whether Mulder tops Krycek or vice versa. Messages appear debating the issue because of the disappearance of the "couple" beneath the window.

<Krycek giggles>

K: You can top me if you want, Mulder.

M: RAT BASTARD! You did that on purpose! <Mulder jumps for Krycek>

<Krycek runs around the apartment, laughing and shedding the rest of his clothes.>

M: I'll shoot you! So help me I will! <Mulder is nearly shrieking>

<A now nude Krycek turns and "accidentally" runs into Mulder. Mulder grabs him and throws him down, jumping on him. >

<Mulder hits and Krycek lets him, going limp suddenly.>

M: Krycek? <no answer>

M: Alex? <still no answer>

<Mulder grows anxious and pulls Krycek up, trying to wake him. >

M: Alex. Alex! Say something. <anxiously strokes Krycek's cheek>

K: Don't him me anymore. <Krycek sounds weepy, eyes still closed>

M: Alright, I won't. I lost my temper.

K: Promise?

M: No. But I'll try.

K: Okay. <Krycek lays head against Mulder's chest>

<Mulder realizes he's holding a naked man in his arms.>

M: Errr...Um... Get up.

<Krycek tries to get up and wavers. Mulder holds him steady. Krycek slips into his arms and steals a kiss.>

M: Don't.

<Krycek kisses again. Mulder hesitantly responds, arms going around Krycek.>

<The laptop beeps and beeps. As they sink down to the floor, message 157, entitled "THEY'RE KISSING, AND K IS NUDE!!" is downloaded. Seconds later, another message appears

GOVERNMENT THUGS JUST ROUNDING CORNER OF HELAGA PLACE, SOMEONE WARN THEM!!>

<phone rings>

"Get him dressed and get out of there fast, Agent Mulder. The thugs approach!"

<click>

M: Krycek get dressed! They're coming for you.

<Mulder snags his laptop and a half dressed Krycek and heads out. Running for his car, dragging Krycek, Mulder hears a BOOM, looks back sees the g-thugs have been involved in a fender bender with a middle aged woman.>

K: That's one of them. <Krycek smiles at the woman who is pretending to cry>

<Mulder looks again, surprised>

M: She looks like Mrs. Suburbia...

K: That's NetSlut. I've seen her web page. <Krycek laughs at the look on Mulder's face> Mulder, don't you know that book/cover saying? <Krycek laughs again>

Let's get out of here before all NetSlut's efforts go to waste. She wrecked her car for you. You should send her an email, maybe a naked picture. She'd love that. 

M: You're sick! I'm not sending that Mom-person a naked picture of me!

K: Mulder, NetSlut writes some of the raunchiest Slash on the Net.

M: Slash?

<Krycek smiles fondly>

K: I see I'm going to have to educate you. <Looks at Mulder, smiles wickedly> Should be fun.

****

That's it so far. :) Like I said, it was for my own amusement, but I though you guys might get a giggle out of it. 

Mick


End file.
